My Top 5 Favorites

– 1 –

On a street in an Italian town, a monk is watching a guy who just can’t get his motorcycle started. The guy is angry and swears:

“Damn! Damn this thing! Damn! What the hell!”

The monk comes closer and says reproachfully:

“Instead of cursing, why don’t you say, “Lord, help me!”.

The guy says “Lord, help me!”. The motorcycle instantly starts with a single kick.

“Wow! Thank you, Father, for enlightening me!”

He sits on and rides away. The monk looks after, scratches his head and mutters:

“What the hell?!”

– 2 –

A Dominican, a Franciscan and a Jesuit sit in a boat fishing.

They run out of bait. The Dominican stands up, makes the sign of the cross and calmly walks on water to the shore. He returns with bait.

They keep fishing, the bait runs out again. Now the Jesuit stands up, crosses himself, also walks on water and brings more.

Once again, they run out. The Franciscan jumps up and boldly steps overboard. Splash! He sinks under water and instantly drowns.

The Dominican and the Jesuit watch the bubbles gloomily.

Jesuit:

“We should have probably told him about the sandbar…”

Dominican:

“What sandbar?”

– 3 –

A person comes to the confessional, kneels and begins:

“Father, I have sinned, I stole a chicken. May I give it to you?”

Priest:

“Of course not. To receive absolution, you must return it to the one you stole it from.”

“I tried, but he didn’t accept it. Oh, Father, what should I do?”

“Strange… but if that’s the case, you can keep it.”

“Thank you, Father!”

When the priest returned home, he found out his chicken was stolen.

– 4 –

A man joined the Trappists and professed a strict vow of silence, allowing him to speak only once every ten years.

After ten years he opened his mouth and said:

“The food is bad.”

And fell silent. Ten more years passed, he spoke and said:

“Thee bed is hard.”

And was silent again. Ten more years later he came to the abbot and told him:

“I’m leaving.”

Abbot:

“No wonder, you complained all the time.”

– 5 –

A bishop was suddenly seized with piety. He fell to his knees before the altar, tearing his clothes and crying out:

“Lord forgive me, for I am a miserable and worthless sinner!”

A priest was watching him pray and got inspired too. He prostrated nearby and cried:

“God have mercy on me, for I have sinned greatly against You!”

Seeing them, a shoemaker also felt a surge of faith, fell down and exclaimed:

“God be merciful to me, a poor sinner!..”

The bishop glanced back, nudged the priest with his elbow and whispered:

“Look at him, now he thinks he’s a sinner!”

– Bonus –

The last joke also appears in another form, but with a very similar meaning.

Monks are praying. One exclaims:

“Lord, what am I before You? A tiny speck of dust!”

Second monk:

“Lord, what am I before You? Just a grain of sand!”

Third:

“Lord, what am I before You? A miserable worm!’

The other monks turn to him:

“Wow, we’ve got a haughty one here!”