Catholic Jokes - Part 2

Catholic Jokes II

Part Two

First part here.
Apology of Christian humor here.

* * *

A crowd brings a harlot to Jesus Christ and asks:

“Moses commanded us to stone such women. What do You say about her?”

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.”

The crowd fell silent, pondering.

Suddenly, a rock flies from behind Christ’s back and hits the harlot squarely in the head.

Jesus turns and says with reproach:

“Mom! I asked you not to interfere in My business!”

Remark

Of course, the Virgin Mary would never do such a thing. This absurd element is what makes the joke funny. However, the fact that She was without sin is theologically correct.
An interesting fact: historically, stoning did not look like “a crowd throwing relatively small rocks at a person.” That was a prescribed form of execution. The victim was thrown from a high platform, and then one or several large stones were hurled from above.
What we encounter in the Gospel is probably an attempt at extrajudicial mob justice.

* * *

A young boy looks at a war memorial plaque in his parish. A priest passes by, and the boy asks: “Father, what are these names?”

The priest responds: “Well son, these are names of men who died in service.”

The boy nods thoughtfully. “Oh. Which service, the 9 o’clock or the 10:30 one?”

* * *

A Catholic bishop complains to his colleague:

“Will there ever come a time when we are allowed to marry?”

“We won’t live to see that…”, the other bishop replies, “At best, our children might see it…”

* * *

An Irishman comes to confession:

“Father, yesterday I renounced the faith… for the sake of the faith.”

“How is this even possible?!”

“Well, I was lying in a ditch. A man named Johnson passed by and said: ‘Drunk again, you Catholic swine?’ And I replied: ‘Stick that in your pipe! I’ve converted to Anglicanism!’”

* * *

Confession time in a scout camp.

A young boy enters the confessional:

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned, I threw peanuts in the river.”

Priest: “That’s all right son. Throwing peanuts into the river is not a sin. Say one ‘Our Father’ and go in peace.”

A second boy enters:

“Bless me, Father, for I threw peanuts into the river.”

Priest:

“There’s nothing wrong with that, my boy. Say one ‘Our Father’ and go.”

A third, fourth boy, and so on come, all confessing that they threw peanuts into the river. The priest becomes confused.

Finally, a plump boy enters. Before he can speak, the priest says:

“Let me guess: you also threw peanuts into the river?”

“No, Father! They call me Peanuts!”

* * *

A Sunday school for girls in Ireland. The nun asks the children:

“Who do you want to be when you grow up?”

“A teacher!”

“A seamstress!”

“A housewife!”

The next girl says:

“And I want to become a prostitute.”

The nun, very sternly:

“What did you just say?!”

“A prostitute…”

“Oh, thank the Lord. I misheard as ‘a Protestant’.”

Remark

This joke is funny but slightly coarse, and may be perceived by a Protestant as “trolling.” In that case, there is no need to take it too seriously: on reflection, Catholic self-irony is even stronger here.

* * *

The Pope, riding in a car, asks his driver:

“Can I drive for a bit?”

The driver initially refuses, saying it would be unsafe, but eventually agrees to let the Pope drive one lap around St. Peter’s square.

They switch places. While the Pope is at the wheel, he exceeds the speed limit and is pulled over.

The policeman looks at the Pope, confused, and lets him go.

His partner approaches and asks:

“Why did you let them go?”

“Better not get involved. I don’t know who that was… but he has the Pope as his driver!”

* * *

A bonus for the English version of the article

An Irishman arrives in New York. At a busy street crossing, he patiently waits and watches the traffic officer.

At intervals, the officer stops the flow of traffic and shouts, “Okay, pedestrians!” Then he lets the cars pass. He does this several times, and the Irishman continues to stand on the sidewalk.

After the officer shouts “Pedestrians!” for the tenth time, the Irishman approaches him and says:

“Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Explanation for Russian readers who may not understand the last joke:

Пешеходы, pedestrians – слегка «заумное» слово и звучит похоже на реформатскую деноминацию, типа унитариан или пресвитериан. Простой ирландец думает, что всё время пропускают каких-то «педестриан», а пора бы и католикам пройти.